A Heart Undone

I love to listen to Shane and Shane. I can't express how much I just love to sit and close my eyes and listen. They open my heart and my eyes to God. They help me get above my own crap and remember who God is, what he has done and I sit here nearly in tears almost silent. I can not express the beauty that God displays and shows not just in what Christ has done, but jsut who God is. I know it sounds kind of preachy to say or very religious. But what else can I say? I am captivated. And when I think....think about what Christ has done. He declared me clean. And so often I feel dirty and evrything tells me I am dirty and Christ says, "you are clean." Those words. Those words. What freedom I have. I can't fight the tears. And I don't care it looks weak or wierd. I am free, I am loved, I am in Christ. Oh praise God my soul, praise God....

The following is an excerpt of a letter I sent describing my experience with Seminary. Many people ask how it is and I believe this is as honest an answer as any. One point to note is that upon reflecting my experience this last semester, I found that I enjoy life more when i stop taking seminary so seriously. Not in my dedication to work hard and be excellent, but that if I am not the next Christain prodigy, well I'll deal with that. It may surprise you but it took me a long while to get that. Moving on here it is:

I can not begin to describe the difficulty of seminary. Not just the burden of reading and papers, though heavy it may be, rather it is the spiritual that weighs upon my heart. In college there was hardly a class that engaged my heart as well as my mind. Here it seems that every class does both and more. I am seeing how much I don’t love God by the way I live my life, how weak my faith is and how very little I know. These are not bad things mind you, but they do cause me to struggle greatly. Every week it seems that my evangelism class hits me with how deep and wide the love of God is and that most times I fail to remember it. My Intro to Theology course hints at the depth of God when I felt like I had God pretty much figured out. My professors are men who have devoted their lives to the study of scripture and knowledge of God. They, some of whom have been Christians for over 50 years, have received degrees from and taught at institutions like Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, Yale. One of my Professors has even studied under Einstein and attended debates between men that have since been written into text books as great modern philosophers. All of these men say that God can not be systematized. There are no magic formulas for God, no system can truly tell us of God’s glory or of his thoughts, for who knows the mind of God? Like dipping my toes in the ocean and proclaiming that I have explored its depths and width, the unknown areas that may never be known. So even as I am digging into the depths of reformed theology I am constantly reminded that systematics are for men, not for God. And that though we do have God’s revelation in His word and in our hearts, we would be quite foolish to think we could ever figure out God.

As for me, my struggle falls to the more primitive. I am seeing more and more of the lack of faith that I have and how fearful I am. But as deep as my lows have been, I have found deep satisfaction in the Lord. As I pour over the promises and vastness of God’s unending mercy and grace, I find that I am deeply loved. And it is by this grace that I may strive forward. By the power of Christ and the holy spirit I will succeed to his glory. I have set for myself that it will be by God’s power and grace that I will go to the nations, my countrymen to proclaim Christ. And that by his power some might come to know our savior.

Ahhhh...sweet freedom

Well, finals are over and I am not actually sure how I did. I mean I think I got a couple of A's some B's and some C's. I just couldn't tell you which classes I got those it. I mean I am feeling pretty good about Evangelism, but Greek on the other hand...well, I am not so sure. You have to have an 80 for the class to count towards you masters and I was kind of on the line and that final rocked me. Regardless, I have enjoyed the last two days of only working and not worrying about what papers or quizes or tests or books I have to read. I'm reading 3 books right now and I am loving it. I really never pictured myself as much of a reader, but hey what are you gonna do?

I had a few thoughts in regards to Donald Miller's book To Own a Dragon. This book is pretty much Miller's reflections and experiences about the mysteries of Fatherdom since his father abandoned his family before he could walk. *Important note* I love my father. I thank God for the relationship we have and how we have been growing closer as father and son over the last five years. He is a wonderful man and I enjoy every interaction I have with him.*end note* This might lead one to belive that I am about to slam my Dad, but actually I just want to reflect on Miller's reflections and I am going to briefly delve into the past which might reflect poorly on my father and that is not my intention. That said, let's move on. Miller talks about a resentment that grew for older males and how when the men in his life would ever try to impose rules he would resent them for it, even though part of him longed for it. This I felt rang true for me when I was living with my aunt and uncle. My uncle was the first real male authority figure and he did what he felt he needed to in order to instill discipline and equip me to succeed in life even though i was only there for a brief 2 years. What I think struck me more strikingly is that my uncle had allowed me into his home, accepted me into his family and loved me like a son. I just think I spect a great deal of time being ungrateful for what my aunt and uncle were doing for me. In a small sense I got it, but predominantly I was resentful of the structure and rigid discipline. I am not a father, so I really have no clue as to what it is to have a child and the relationship that comes with it. I certainly do not have the experience of taking in a troubled teenager after he has just left an intervention program. And as i reflect on this I feel grateful, so very grateful for the wealth of love that was shown to me. And I also feel ashamed of the disdain I held for so long as a result of my own issues. I thank God for grace and kindness shown to me and the love he has poured out in his son and in the actions of my aunt and uncle. I hope that I can honor them in the future.

First Blog.

Well this is not a blog. More of an announcement of more blogs to come. Sooo....more to come.